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Off to college soon

In about  a year, I will be off to college. I have decided to go to San Francisco to pursue a writing career. I was accepted within the first two weeks after I sent in my application. It should’ve been great news that I would’ve jumped for joy over, but I thought about what my mother would think. I understand that she is reluctant to let me go to such a big, urban place — an expensive city, at that. I don’t see money as an issue, you see. I know that if you want to do something, you can always FIND a way to make things happen. I think I am a dreamer this way, and many people do not take me serious because I am not being reasonable or rational. Or realistic. Money is a small matter (in a sense)  in comparisson to living a dream. But then, do I want to live in a big hole of debt many years after I graduate from college? I’m living by the belief that I CAN and WILL find a way to make it work. If there looks to be an obstacle in life, am I supposed to take another route just because I don’t THINK it can work? Life is about experiences and learning. I think, though, the underlying problem is more than a money issue. I am aware of the dangers that come with such an immense city — crime rates are high, rapes, a high pocession of guns and drugs, violence. Of course you’ll have to take precaution when going into the city.

It’s the openess of the city, the call of the city streets, the scintillescent lights that sparkle in the still of the night that is calling me, and has called me for years.  I’ve had my eyes to leaving home and start a new life here. But also, to tell you the truth, I have such a strong desire to go because I think of establishing myself apart from those I know. I want to make an identity all my own, no longer in anyone’s shadows which I have abided by for so long. I think I want to be away from everybody for a while. I feel like I am straying away but I realize this, and I need to be away.

I have my heart set in San Francisco but when the time comes for me to make a decision, maybe I have to be realistic than to chase a stupid dream.

Stoic

The word of the day is stoic, a feeling of absolute blankness. There is no other word that can describe the feeling of aimlessly wandering and lingering. It’s not a bad thing, it is what it is. I don’t know how this feeling came about but I understand that I’m living in it. I see, and now I go. Maybe it’s the idea of finally finishing off high school, for goodness sake. How did I come to destest such a place. The idea of conformity frightens me but I admit that I am a victim at times. It feels like I am fighting against a force that is constantly pushing back. But fighting back only hurts, so I choose to stray away. Away from the crowds, away from you.

Why is it hard for people to understand that sometimes, the best company is yourself? Why do I have to fill my days with activities I have NO interest in, whatsoever? Why should I spend time with those people when I don’t particularly enjoy their company? Bite the bullet, perhaps, to fit into society’s norm. I’d rather not. Is there something wrong with wandering around, encountering souls only to leave again? I find that it is a part of life to come and go. Maybe it is true, by the sound of it, that I am fighting too hard.

4 Octobre 2007

    Ma meilleur journée était quand j’ai visitée mon ami hier soir. C’est la dernière fois que je vais le voir. Non ! Vous ne comprendrez pas ! Je suis très triste aussi mais je sais que ma décision est pour la meilleure. Maintenant, c’est le commencement d’un nouveaux jour, une nouvelle vie. Au revoir à mon meilleur ami. Je vous aime beaucoup. C’était le meilleur jour parce que maintenant, peut-être nous allons être content.

A heart full of trust

It’s often difficult to put your trust in the world when life doesn’t seem to show you a complete answer. It’s not to say that you will roam this journey closed off to yourself and reluctant to be vulnerable to the open life every time things are not the way that you imagine them to be. Ironically, when you feel that you have lost your beliefs because they are challenged, that is the time to trust that life will work its ways.

But how? Easier said than done. It takes a great amount of mental strength and courage to put your foot forward and just believe. Like many, I at times want proof that what I am believing in works and will have an effect (preferably positive). Will it work? If I say that life will take my path and alter it as it may, will I feel secure just by my justification of words? I would have to put my heart into that trust also.

Journals

I’ve kept a couple of journals and every one of them are special in their own sentimental way.

A feeling of yearning

There is something about fall that wraps me and pulls me, and it’s something that I do not comprehend. I do not wish to pursue it either, for I enjoy the moment that it brings me in — tugging away at me. I long to travel to Seattle, Washington one day, some day, and view the ever changing leaves from the mountainous trees. Perhaps, sit by the still lake and wish for nothing more. I love to play with the shadows that the light casts on objects. The sun generally sits lower, projecting rays from afar and creating silhouettes that elongates. Living in the beautiful but never-changing-season California, I wonder how it is somewhere else. Is it natural to have a desire and yearning to leave your hometown? Or is it just my young perspective? I’ll figure it out someday when I’m standing on a pier and looking out to the lake in Washington.